I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
