I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
