You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
