I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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