My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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