I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
