Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.