i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now