i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs