I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
