Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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