Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
