you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
