Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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