Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize