took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
