Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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