Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
