i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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