theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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