then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
this is an emotional support booty call
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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