I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
