This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think your dad took our porno
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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