woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
