So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
