new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
