i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
