two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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