her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So much Jack, so little girl.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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