I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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