Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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