Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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