god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Houston, we have a blender
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
