Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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