Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
