addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
