I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
