There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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