chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
