Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
