I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
