i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
