im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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