i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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