Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
