Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
