My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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