So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
