don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
FUCK WHALES
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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