I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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