Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
