You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
