It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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